I just received the strangest phone call. A girl who
called herself Chris (Kris?) Kraft telephoned and immediately (well, after a
slight hesitation) wanted to know if there is a party or something around. I
had been to one earlier, but it had long ago broken up. So what could I say? I
had time to think. And I wondered if I should invite her up. She seemed
disappointed about no party but I knew she'd say no to an invitation. I asked
her her name, whether she lived in the dorms (no, just came looking for
action). She asked if I wasn't sure there was some party floating around
I said I wasn't. She gamely said thank you and that was it. Almost: I asked her
how she happened to call my number (I still sort of believed that she was an
acquaintance of Steve's). She said she just happened to call it at random (an
advantage, if you can call it, of having a how shall I say it, and a sort of
alliterative number such as 3311.) Extraordinary, and one of the most
fascinating phone calls I've never received.
I did go to a party tonight, at Rosemary's. It seems that
today is Scott's 25th birthday, so she tracked down as many of his friends as
she could. She found me--accidentally, I imagine--in the dining center. I had
just finished lunch and was returning my tray. She told me about the party and
had me come up to her room to sign an enormous birthday card for Scott. Mitsuo,
who was with me, did not come as he had already signed the card, but Rosemary's
roommate Ann (whom Steve had been well for lack of a better word pursuing via
the telephone) did come and the three of us went on up. While I was writing in
the card (some bullshit play-on-words crap involving John Lennon's Beatles song
titles), Ed B came in. Ed is a real good guy. He's like me in a lot of
ways, and might be a good friend some day, but he's graduating this semester.
So much for that. He said he would make the party if he could (as it turned out
he didn't). After I finished writing, Rosemary and I got into a literary
discussion: first about Faulkner then about Rita Mae Brown-specifically
Rubyfruit Jungle, which I am currently reading in Michael Krasny's American
novel class. Of Faulkner, we specifically discussed Flags in the Dust,
Sartoris (the same novel in its condensed form) and The Sound and the
Fury. I told her what I had read in the Flags preface-how Faulkner
whittled a huge manuscript down to the compact Sartoris by way of Flags,
and how later the latter manuscript was rediscovered. Then we talked about Rubyfruit,
which she loved, and I told her that Krasny tore it to pieces. At that time I
had only read three chapters. I spent this afternoon reading, covering 90
pages, and I was just beyond the halfway point of the novel. On the whole I
agree with Krasny. I like to think that my disappointment in the novel doesn't
stem from Krasny's putdowns-indeed, some parts strike me as inferior material
without such help. But I can't be sure. The cruel humor is gone now, but the
writing seems trite and superficial in places. I wonder if I would believe this
if I hadn't heard what Krasny said. As I said, I don't know.
Speaking of Krasny's class, I must write at least one
paper, and it would be a good idea if I wrote at least two. The question is: on
which novels? Forget anything before The Adventures of Augie March ,
because I can't remember most of the important details necessary for a good
analytical paper. Forget Augie March also-I am not going to finish the sucker
in class, maybe I'll avoid it altogether, Rubyfruit is perhaps the
easiest novel of the course and consequently Krasny will surely grade tougher
on papers based on that. Perhaps I should do Sula, the Toni Morrison
novel that I didn't exactly gather in it once; for instance I still do not
understand why Shadrack is present. Perhaps I can fake it. But I faked it with
the Gatsby paper and look what happened. But I didn't fake it with the Sound
and the Fury paper, and look what happened there. It all boils down to one
word: shit.
I saw Beth B today at the dining center. She was
with a group of people. I believe she got my message for as I in truth did not
see her she called my name. I responded lamely and still went off to a private
table. Later (Mitsuo had join me by then), I saw her leave-with a guy. It was
the first time I had seen her with a guy since that day early last semester
when walking back from a library (where I had gone to copy some news clips) I
saw her by the student union arm in arm with a fellow (it was more like arms
around the waist). I made like I didn't see her. At the time I was still bitter
about everything from the semester before and I wanted nothing more to do with
her. But I felt a little remorse-I knew she was going to find somebody else.
Well, as it turned out (I never learned this officially), I was wrong because
chance meetings throughout the semester encouraged me, by now very lonely, that
dear sweet Beth was available. Things culminated back in then in a date we made
to see the movie Apocalypse Now! at the Stonestown cinema where (as
expected because she was very sensitive) she visibly cringed at all of the
bloody scenes and I comforted her with an arm around her seat. She was
receptive and tried to put her head on my shoulder. I knew then that I had been
right... She was mine whenever I wanted her. Since it was near the end of the
semester, it made no difference. Summer was coming, and she was going to work
in Santa Rosa and I was going to travel to Europe. We ended our 1979-80 lives
together by exchanging phone numbers and addresses. I mailed her a couple of
postcards while in Europe, and we corresponded after I returned. There was the
birthday dinner with Mom and Howard with Beth joining us-that night we ended up
necking as heavy as we had been 10 months earlier. I had her again, with the
whole semester in front of me. So what did I do? I told her I would call but I
didn't, until last night. I did knock on her door a couple of times but she was
never there. Still, I never made any bones about cold-shouldering her like
before-I always greeted her warmly. But I never made serious efforts to contact
her, and even purposely ignored her presence at the dining center at times. (And
that was only when she wasn't alone, which was every time I saw her except once
when I left Steve and Edwin at dinner to go over and sit with her. But that
time she was unusually unreceptive and in fact that's the last time I’ve really
spoken with her.) Why? It's just as it was last October, having conquered, I
dropped the chase; in other words, she was worth pursuing but not keeping. It's
the whole looks syndrome that keeps me up assessed with pretty faces like Toni
and Renée, and ignoring lesser beauties-indeed, sometimes non-beauties like
Beth. But I saw her today. She left with a guy and I felt lousy. To top it off,
she FINALLY her hair pulled back, which makes her look to me rather
attractive-as attractive as she can get anyway. But now I wonder if I've lost
her for good this time. So help me as I write these where does, I'm not going
to let her go, if she still wants me. I am going to try to establish contact
during the holidays (and I believe that Sally is not going to contact me, and
Toni will surely refuse, so Beth will be my only shot at seeing anybody) and
hopefully carry it into the next semester-if she's even coming back next
semester. If she still wants me. I bought a rubber from Mitsuo for $.50, so I
don't have to worry about not having protection. Oh Robin Wiest! Where are you
now that I really need you?
It's 10:25, and time to go. I'm going to try to begin
writing Sick Boy now, in spite of the fact that my creative writing
obligations are done and I should concentrate on schoolwork. But I'm excited
about Sick Boy. I've envisioned doing it in three parts: one from each
of the two brothers’ point of view, and one with an omniscient narrator very. I
will be experimenting with stream of consciousness. First I'll try the straight
third person to see where it goes. And I hope it does. There is no school
tomorrow, so I will stay up and watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail,
which is shown all week on Channel 9 at 11:30, and for the third day in a row,
I finish this entry at the bottom of the page. Weird.
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